Week 4 DOWN and feeling good... and full... and good....

Well today was my weigh in for week number 4 and I was super pleased! I went down about a pound and a half and I brought my grand total of weight lost up to TWELVE POUNDS!  I'm super proud!

I feel like I so should have blogged more this week, I do think that talking it out is going to be an important part of my journey but then a get busy and I get tired and I just start doing other stuff.  So here is the recap:

• Sugar is calling my name!  I ate a bowl of Reese's Puffs this week, and a cinnamon roll too (akk!) aside from today though I did keep with in my calories every day, and generally I think it is okay to have splurges because you can't maintain a diet of NEVER eating sweets (well, *I* cant anyway!) HOWEVER - I see this huge correlation between eating sugar and wanting more sugar - instead of it being like, oh, ok, I had a cinnamon roll yesterday so I don't need another one tomorrow it is more like... omg that was so good yesterday, I need another one.... it is a dilemma.
• This week our challenge was "treat yourself" and it was a good one, it was interesting to try treat myself with things that were not food, because I think that really is my go-to strategy when I need a little pick me up... I think I strengthened my skills some in that department, and I def. realized some things about myself and eating.  What else am I turning to food for that I really don't have to.
• My stupid shins hurt. I ran Monday and Tuesday, and again on Thursday and I was feeling rather proud of myself but my stupid shins were hurting progressively worse :( - g told me to take some time off and buy new shoes, so Friday I skipped it and I ordered some shoes this weekend.  I think tomorrow though I'm going to go give it another go since I've had so many days to recover - I don't want to let myself give up on it and weenie out, but I also don't want to hurt myself and get totally derailed... we will see...
• Lastly, today is the first day since the start of it all that I have eaten over my calories - I didn't like completely binge but with sushi and the afore mentioned cinnamon roll #2 I was at almost 1400... I knew it, I did it, and I think it is okay. As long as tomorrow is uber awesome once again.

This weekend I have a huge trip to vegas with Sweet Shoppe, SO excited, but a little worried about the food aspect.... Gonna have to really REALLY work at not gaining this week.

Also, It is the end of the month and time for some progress pictures, I'll be posting those tomorrow hopefully!! :)

Bed is calling!

Let me "wine" a little...

Well, this week's weigh in was not nearly as impressive as the last few weeks.  I sort of knew it would have to even out so I'm trying to stay super motivated... but still... as soon as it starts just moving in .5 increments it starts to feel like my goal is soooooo far away.

Yesterday discouraging thing #2 happened because G and I went to the Goodwill outlet and I found an armload of really cute clothes - I was pumped because I got them all for such an awesome deal!  Unfortunately I must have also been smoking crack while I was there because when I got home I discovered that NONE of it fit me... most of the pants I could not even manage to button... Not exactly encouraging - so I guess I'm going into this week feeling full on fat. Bah.

Next week is going to be the four week mark and it will be time for a progress picture.  I'm hoping a feel good enough about myself to force me into spandex again - right now I'd rather hide under my bed.

Here are my stats as of today:

Weigh in from last week (9/15):141.7
Today's weight (9/23): 138.0
Challenge points Earned: 21

Weight loss for the week: 0.6 pounds
Weight loss so far:  10.3 pounds
Percent of body weight lost: 6.95%

I have crossed the 10 pound mark, that is nothing to sneeze at - I'm going to let myself be proud of that one - maybe I'll even let myself celebrate by going to an actual store and finding a pair of pants that will button. I DO need to reward myself because I think it will help me feel a little bit more like I'm accomplishing something.  I also drank at least a full bottle of wine on Saturday night, I'm sure my body is retaining water from that bender, I was prepared to see it reflected on the scale - although my brain still gets hooked.

Other things to be positive about: I ran FOUR days last week, every school day but Wednesday, and on Weds I did some toning exercises with Liz, then last night I did pilates too, which gave me exercise points for 6 out of 7 days, not too shabby.  I'm also starting to REALLY love my morning runs - I even am not finding it too difficult to convince myself to put a sports bra on when I get up.  I'm almost done with week three of C25K so I'm pretty confident I can make it up to the 5k by my run October 20th.  It's raining today, so I'm going to be total kick ass when I'm out there running, hopefully I don't freeze though!

This week I'm going to ick off another bootcamp week - time to wash that crap out of my system, maybe it will perk me up some too...

Onward.

When, not now...

It seems like every time I get into weight lose mode my brain starts jumping into the future... I don't know if it is because I've reached my goal before or if it is my personal way of not accepting who I am right now but i keep having the same though process:

It's great that you've lost nine pounds (or 3 pounds or 5 pounds or whatever) but when you get back down below 131, then you can actually feel like you're making process. Or when you finally hit 120 you can finally feel proud. 110 you'll finally look not fat... It's so arbitrary and so not productive because there is really nothing I can do to get to that place right away, right now I just got down below 40 right now my victory pants are stll my fat pants, and when my brain is on this mode of only when its so easy to fall into three trap of feeling powerless and paralyzed in a state of "not yet"... I want to feel confident and proud about where I am yet still I have all these disclaimers...

Maybe my title should be if not now,  when... Because I'm pretty sure ill junior the same mental block at 130 and 110 and whatever may come inbetween... For better or worse no matter what I way i'rf still be me, and that has to be, enough..right .now...right?

Almost at the 10 pound mark...

Holy crap! I can not believe how much weight I've lost in the past two weeks.  I'm pretty sure that cutting out all of the processed grains and sugars is the culprit but I'm not complaining.  I seriously have not lost 9 pounds in two weeks EVER. 9.7 pounds to be exact... Holy crap...

I still am far above where I was this time last year but that really is irrelevant at this point because ... well because I can't go back in time - I can only go forward, and forward is looking highly hopeful right now :)

Lets see, maybe listing the things that I've done to earn that loss would be helpful for the future when I'm feeling like giving up/in.

• Carbs - I don't know what to call it, processed carbs? simple carbs? artificial carbs?  I think that the ONLY thing I ate this past week with any of that junk was a 12 inch whole wheat sub that I spread over two different days (2 meals, not like that is the only thing I ate LOL).
• Coffee straight up - I really think that something can be said for cutting out that darn creamer, it was probably only adding about 100 calories to my day since it was sugar free, but I think that it sort of set me up first thing in the morning to need that sweets fix... when I'm getting my sugars exclusively from fruit I think I am enjoying it more, and my taste buds aren't totally numbed out to anything but super sugary flavors...
• Ok, I'll admit it... Alcohol... Although I did give into my wine craving a little this week, I drank like 2 8oz glasses of wine.  I really savored it, and it was way kinder to my body - again I think it is one of those things, my body gets all numbed out to the alcohol effects and flavors and I'm consuming larger and larger amounts to get my fix (crap that makes me sound like an alcoholic! i'm talking about this on a smaller scale though... but really in a sense it is sort of the same thing).
• Exercise! I ran 2 times this week and then took long walks 4 out of 6 days (still gotta get it in there for today too). I feel like a super star when I'm running, I need to remember that on my mornings that I feel like those 40 mins would be better spent sleeping. Also, I took Gareth with me a few times and Owen with me once, it is a really easy way to bond with out it being a big thing we have to plan out in advance or spend a ton of money on. Friday I was feeling sorta bleck and I couldn't figure out why, but I started to get super hungry - instead of just caving and driving to the store or somewhere worse, I compromised with myself and walked to subway with one of the kids. Made me feel much better about myself later that night after I'd eaten something a little less awesome.
• Fruit :) my new BFF, I never knew how much I could look forward to a mango or revel in a plum! Like I was saying, with it being my pretty much exclusive form of sweetness I am really enjoying my food so much more.  I have even been staying away from artificial sweeteners - yesterday I caved and had a bit of crystal light in my water and I surprised myself because I actually didn't even finish it.  I love water so much more right now :)
• Salad Salad Salad - pretty much a staple of my day, and the main course 80 percent of the time - I'll always add nuts or some sort of meat for protein. And when I feel like I can't eat another bowl of leafy greens and omelet or a meal shake can fit the bill.

Eventually, I'm going to have to work some carb/starches in to my diet again, I know from experience that its pretty much impossible to live a southbeach or atkins or paleo lifestyle BUT I am going to add it slowly, and hopefully I can always keep it as just a small portion of my meals and not the main event.

Ok, yay :)  So, finally - my beloved numbers:

Starting weight (9/1): 148.3

Weigh in from last week (9/8):141.7

Today's weight (9/15): 138.6

Weight loss for the week:  3.1 pounds

Weight loss so far: 9.7 pounds

Percent of body weight lost: 6.54%

Yippee!!! Not too shabby to say the least - I'm actually excited for the next week, which is pretty much unheard of for me LOL - momentum rocks!

Oh - and if I can exercise today my points earned for the week will be: 24 - that is a 4 point increase from last week, go exercise points!

Now I will punctuate this week with a smiley face :)

ps - I forgot one thing!! LOGGING! I know for a fact that logging my food makes a huge difference too, it is so so helpful to be conscious of what is going into your body, it forces me to not go over, but also to not go too low - one day of starvation and my body goes into desperate hunger mode the next day - that is no good, it's all about moderation baby...

My Pants...

Today I put on a pair of pants that I tried to wear just a week and a half ago, and today i buttoned them with out crying....

I'm sure they are slightly stretched out from my painful pants wearing session - but I swear my hips/tummy feel slightly smaller too... I am not one to measure my inches (ahhhh! all those numbers, my number obsessing ocd self might have an aneurysm) but I'm going to count this particular pants wearing buttoning experience as progress in the inches dept :)

Yay!

Now I shall add a photo before I lose my enthusiasm...

Good Things

This week I'm in a pretty good place, after last week going so well I'm feeling all jazzed up and finding it easier to resist stuff that usually I just can't say no to.  Case in point, yesterday the house was pretty messy and in the kitchen the boys had left out two boxes of Captain Crunch - Captain Crunch!! My favorite!  But I didn't even put my hand in the box even once to eat a bit of it, I just didn't NEED it... That feels good!

I did allow myself 6 oz of my beloved red wine last night.  I had PLENTY of calories, I had a pretty light calorie day and I ran AND walked yesterday so I decided it was allowed... Yumm! It was devine!  One thing that is awesome about watching calories and cutting out certain foods is that everything feels sorta like a luxury - and it is nice for one glass to feel like a super treat instead of it taking like 3 glasses plus ben and jerry's!

Right now, it is really feeling like I've got the motivation to stick this puppy out, and that is a good feeling - I actually looked in the mirror today and thought "I should take some progress pictures"... WHAT??? When do I ever have the urge to take pictures of myself in spandex! LOL I'm going to wait until the 1 month mark, but I feel confident right now that there will be a difference and that feels good.

Today I have very little healthy food left in the house so it might be one of those days where I have to drink a few shakes, I had planned to try to hold out until tomorrow night because that is where it goes in my official weekly schedule, but I don't know if we'll make it... we will see...

Thats all, just ramblings and confidence today - and I think thats a good thing.

Oh YEAH!

Are you ready for my ridiculously awesome weight in this morning??? I think this week holds the record for how much weight I've lost in a week ever EVER in all of my life.  Here's the rundown:

Starting weight: 148.3
This week's weight: 141.7
Total Loss: 6.6 pounds

HOLY CRAP!!!  That feels good!

Now, let me take a little moment for a public service announcement:  I do realize that that amount of weight lost in one week is very excessive, in no way whatsoever do I plan to keep up this pace.  This huge amount has a lot to do probably with all the crap I've been flushing out of my system with my boot camp eating, because before this week I was eating sooooo much sugar, processed crap, and alcohol (which fyi I am missing dearly, oh wine how I love the). it is pretty much a cleanse and cleanse weight loss in no way reflects the type of pace that I will settle into in a few weeks.

That being said - I am in no way apologizing for this awesome progress, I'm so excited and proud and I'm motivated as heck right now.  Momentum has begun - now I just need to stay in motion.

On another random note: I wonder how much of that weight is boob weight?? Yesterday I was thinking my boobs already feel smaller and then thought that could not possibly be true, but after weighing in I can pretty much guarantee that there has been some weight loss with those puppies, it is bitter sweet because my bra and shirt situation was getting a bit dire - but pretty boobs are sorta awesome to have too, and the deflation process is never pretty...

As far as other things this week, I did get exercise in 5 out of the 7 days, I wish I could say it was all 7 but with a busy weekend planning a huge event I just had to let it go for Sat and Sun. I def. met the water challenge this week, once I get started with the water thing I love it, although I think my bladder muscles need some serious strengthening.  And I did track my food EVERY day, which I know from experience is the golden key to my weight loss.  Boot camp week one was a raging success, only ONE little cheat, and that was a mug of sugar free hot chocolate with the boys, it so was not worth it because I can't say I totally cut out ALL my artificial sweeteners 100%.  I told myself that after 1 week I would allow myself wine, and I want some a LOT, but maybe I will wait it out because I do feel good after my awesome progress :)

Ok, week 2 is the eat breakfast challenge - I have sort of already been doing this because my body is hungry at the start of the day and I crash big time with out it, so this week I'll just have to be a bit more vigelant... boot camp breakfasts are a little bit hard to come up with because of the limits on grains - lots of fruits and nuts... maybe I'll throw some eggs in this week...

Anyway, week 2 starts tomorrow, and I'm feeling pretty dang ready!

I'm a Badass...

It is interesting how much better I feel about myself when I know I'm making healthy choices, something about getting out there and running (even if it is only in 1 minute intervals for now) feels like I'm totally kicking ass and taking names.

Another interesting thing I'm finding is how much more I'm appreciating the flavor of things when I'm not stuffed full of artificial flavors and sugars... it's like my tastebuds were numbed down or something!

On example is just how much I am finding myself loving black coffee! As I posted earlier, boot camp plan doesn't allow sugars or artificial sweeteners so the creamer had to go (but don't ask me to give up caffiene, that is just plain crazy!!) I thought it this would be a huge sacrifice, but it isn't! Actually, I may like it better this way AND drinking black coffee makes me feel like a total badass! I can't wait for the next time some one asks me if I'd like cream and I can say "I'll take it black" :p  Also, fresh fruit tastes incredible at this point, some evenings I'll slice open a mango and it feels like an absolute luxury.

At this point it feels like I'll be able to keep up bootcamp mode for much longer than 2 weeks, although there are a few things I'm missing desperately - including the treat of grabbing Starbucks and a big glass of red wine in the evening, I am going to have to figure out how to work in the occasional splurge eventually although it scares me because I'm so afraid I'll swing to the other extreme -- it is so all or nothing for me sometimes...

In other news, I have managed to get exercise in EVERYDAY this week in the form of going running or taking a long evening walk - I'm also walking the kids to and/or from school which is getting me more active although it isn't technically exercise level working out.  I'm looking forward to next week, first full week with a regular schedule and project shawna for reals can get into full effect!

That Moment

For me it was that moment when I was getting out of the shower, trying to get ready to take the kids to the school for an ice cream social to meet their teachers for the first time.  New teachers, new school, first impression type of a day, and I'm dripping wet, with only a few minutes to spare and NOTHING to wear that isn't bursting at the seams.

I hate getting dressed!!!

Anyway, I felt like crap, argh! And there was nothing I can even really do about it... I still must drag my insecure butt out the door.

 The past few days I've felt pretty fine avoiding everything that doesn't meet boot camp standards, but what do you know, 40 mins later, bulging out of my jeans, suddenly a stupid ice cream sandwich seems irresistible...

I resisted the urge, and you know once I told myself "NO!" and walked away from the box with the boys eating theirs, the feeling really faded.

It is just interesting, I know very well that my eating issues are 90% mental (emotional I should say).  But still in that moment, feeling overwhelmed and totally like crap about myself, it really does feel like an ice cream is the only answer...

Day One Done!

Day one is complete! I am definitely feeling better tonight all stuffed full of veggies and water than I was this morning. It feels good to be committed to making a change, and I am pretty confident in the fact that I AM committed, no more getting sucked down and giving up allowed!

Fro-yo

My boot camp version of going out to frozen yogurt with Owen today...

ahhh!

it is just on repeat, echoing in my head today - that stupid number on the scale that represents just HOW MUCH weight I've put on in just a year :( 25 pounds, I can't even believe it, and being a small person makes that number even worse....

ugh...

i can give my brain the reasons over and over, this time last year was so hard, i've had some crazy life changes, priorities shifting... but none of that really seems to lessen the intensity of how mad i am at myself... you can't really put those things to numbers and even if you could, it still would all come out the same in the end i think.

why why why did i let it happen...  if you count where i was 4 years ago then it is actually closer to 40 pounds gained - it is like math that i keep doing, recalculating over and over, even i know what the numbers will be.

when i was working out on a treadmill, i used to do the same thing. i would continually do the math, how far have i gone, how many minutes per mile - i'm not really an analytically person but something about the numbers adding up gives me comfort, although in this case, i'm not sure if it is actually any sort of comfort i'm finding... but the practical numbers still seem to be that thread i'm hanging on to for dear life... it's like some strange ocd that is actually wearing the skin off on my hands but that i can't seem to stop doing...

123 + 25 = 148

148 - 38 = 110

38/148 = over 25% of my body weight...

... pretty sure next time I try to put them all together it's going to come up with the same thing....

Befores...

September 1st 2013: 148.3... Pretty sure this is officially the heaviest I've ever been...

I can not believe I let g take a picture from behind too! Akk!

To show his solidarity, George took before photos too, although the comparison is not very flattering for me!

Well, there you have it, and so it begins....

Random Note

Random thought here - but one of the one big purposes I want this space to serve is to be somewhere I can just blurt out random things I find myself thinking, about my weight, my weight loss, and especially as something to do with my feelings before I put them on a cupcake and eat them...

This post is specifically to set the precedent that I don't have to write a novel every time I have something to say - sometimes a sentence will be plenty therapeutic, and this is not a place to give myself something else to feel guilty about....

...that is all.

The game plan

Ok, this is where I'm going to put my game plan to writing - usually this ends up in the center of a notebook somewhere, never to be read by anyone but me (and never to be held accountable to) but since project shawna is underway - this seems like a good place to get it all figured out.

I think this time around, I need to be a little brutal to start, I wish I could give myself some sort of electric shock therapy while eating a cupcake to snap my brain out of this "more more more" mode it is in - but since I lack the equipment I think I'm going to instead try to drain my body of some of the sugars and processed carbs it is running on - plus, I need to get some results because I'm so discouraged with my body right now!

So, I will be committing to 2 WEEKS of some food boot camp - here is the plan

No Sweets - I am talking cupcakes here, and any sort of chocolates or candies, I am also going to avoid sugar substitutes because I think it is not doing my body any favors to be constantly requiring something sweet.

Fruits and Veggies - This is what I want to be training my body to crave - if i want something sweet it will fruit that I'm going to turn to.

No processed carbs - Rolls, bagels, pitas, CEREAL no no no no no.  I may have a sweet potato or perhaps some brown rice if i feel like I need to fill out a meal, but not with every meal, and no no no no carb-y snacking.

Protein! but of the non processed variety... I've been guilty in past diet modes of using lean deli meat as my major protein boost much of the time, but I'm going to go a little "cleaner" these two weeks and I'll be eating nuts, chicken, fish and red meat sometimes too that i have cooked myself basically. I love protein, but I need to put a bit of work into it and eat the more wholesome versions of them.

Dairy?? Although I love to rely heavily on my light and fit greek yogurts when I'm watching calories, I think during boot camp mode I will try to avoid dairy, no filling up on cheese sticks and yogurts because I think those things are just going to give me an excuse not to make a salad or cook a chicken breast.

Also to cut out: Creamer.... This breaks my heart I tell you, but I refuse to give up coffee so I should atleast commit to drinking it only in its pure black form. Crystal Light - my favorite way to make my water tasty but I think it is doing myself a diservice to be drinking something so chemical laden when I'm in boot camp mode.

Wine..... wine wine wine.... Still not sure what to do here because I feel like sometimes a glass of wine at the end of the day is SO therapeutic, but is it really a boot camp beverage??? I think for the first week at least I need to commit to no alcohol... that seems highly doable...

That's the plan.

I also will be getting exercise of some sort EVERY DAY (can it be done???) project shawna deserves at least 20 mins of my time each day don't you think??

Finally - My Fitness Pal and I are going to become BFF's because for the biggest loser challenge I get a point for every day I track.

Next step is to step on that dreaded scale and I should be brave and take a few before shots too because I have big plans of having an awesome progress photo to show for myself at the end of the month... I'll need to get over myself first.... can't i make my project myself with out having to deal with my own self??? sigh...