it is just on repeat, echoing in my head today - that stupid number on the scale that represents just HOW MUCH weight I've put on in just a year :( 25 pounds, I can't even believe it, and being a small person makes that number even worse....
ugh...
i can give my brain the reasons over and over, this time last year was so hard, i've had some crazy life changes, priorities shifting... but none of that really seems to lessen the intensity of how mad i am at myself... you can't really put those things to numbers and even if you could, it still would all come out the same in the end i think.
why why why did i let it happen... if you count where i was 4 years ago then it is actually closer to 40 pounds gained - it is like math that i keep doing, recalculating over and over, even i know what the numbers will be.
when i was working out on a treadmill, i used to do the same thing. i would continually do the math, how far have i gone, how many minutes per mile - i'm not really an analytically person but something about the numbers adding up gives me comfort, although in this case, i'm not sure if it is actually any sort of comfort i'm finding... but the practical numbers still seem to be that thread i'm hanging on to for dear life... it's like some strange ocd that is actually wearing the skin off on my hands but that i can't seem to stop doing...
123 + 25 = 148
148 - 38 = 110
38/148 = over 25% of my body weight...
... pretty sure next time I try to put them all together it's going to come up with the same thing....
No comments:
Post a Comment